NORTHERN PLANNER

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  • New boss same as the old boss

    When I got in this morning, after a day away I waded though the usual emails, stopping what I was doing to read new ones pinging in my inbox, getting nowhere. What a pain.

    It’s nothing new to comment on how emails make life more stressful, but it wasn’t intended to be like that. This was the new saviour that would free up time, allow us to communicate better and promote a more egalitarian office – you can email the MD or the admin assistant, and do it when you like.

    But then we started using email like telephone conversations, the MD started to get the PA to screen (and write) his/her emails. The prattling gossipy ones arrive and stop you concentrating like those people that start chatting and fail to see you’re trying to think. In other words, we’ve made emails suit the way we behave.

    And that’s worth considering when you think about technological advances. They fit around and sometimes magnify habits already there, they rarely change them.

    Something worth thinking about whenever you consider influencing how people behave maybe.

  • Oxymoron sign

    100_2869

    I have no proof, but I’m sure people in the UK are getting a little sick of ‘helpful’ signs all over the place that are constantly telling them what to do:

    Now wash your hands

    Think, don’t phone while driving

    Mind the gap

    You get the picture.

  • If I was a Mr Man…….

    100_2842

  • Retail’s not as dark as you think

    There are other things on the ‘to-do’ list, but since things are a bit dark, it might be a good time to cover retail.

    100_2308

    That’s right, retail. Considered by by many to be the getto of agency life – formulaic, reactive and stuck in the old ‘messaging’ timewarp. And mostly it is. But that’s not the fault of the category, it’s more to do with majority of people within it. Either the people in agencies who ‘do their time’ until they get to do something sexier, or the people in the marketing departments who insist the bigger you scream ‘sale’ the more footfall you’ll enjoy. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

    At its best, retail can be the most interesting thing you could ever work on. It changes from week to week, you’ll never work an anything else that relies on good design quite so much- and it’s all based on understanding how people behave – staff as well as customers. You need to find a really good brand proposition that’s flexible enough for weekly market shocks, own brand, more projects than I can think of right now and more media too – that’s hard, which is why so many do it badly. That’s a lot to have to think about, and a great way to learn. You get lots of little projects where you can experiment far more than an FMCG brand where the budget is ploughed into maybe three campaigns a year. You’ll be doing something new every week!

    And is there anything more admirable than Ikea’s’chuck out your chintz’ or Sainsbury’s’Try something new today’?

    This is a summary of something I did for the people at work, it’s mostly taken from accompanying notes, so please take it that way, the prose is not exactly Wildean (and there will be typos of course since it was internal and not checked to the Nth degree).

    Naturally it has elements of Paco Underhill’s ‘Why we buy’, which is a must read, but it also has the experience of a 2 supermarkets, a bank, 2 furniture retailers and a computer retailer (to start with). Don’t feel sorry for me, much of this was fun, I learned quick. And the bits that were not so great taught me a lot about WHAT NOT TO DO!.

    Darwin

    First off I’m going to talk about Darwinism. It’s probably the best idea anyone has ever had, and the idea of natural selection is still the winning theory of how  we got here.
    But the survival of species depends on being able to adapt of you environment, the survival of retailers is quite the opposite:
    SUCCESSFUL RETAIL ENVIRONMENTS  ADAPT TO THE PEOPLE WHO SHOP THERE.
    What follows is the sum knowledge of thousands of hours watching people shop. Not the artificial focus group settings, not asking questions – but anthropology. Studying the person in their natural habitat.
    A fair bit will confirm what you already know, but some it may surprise.
    We’ll do it in two chunks:
    1.The ideal environment

    2.

    But first, here’s three things to consider. If you go no further, please remember these.
    1.Shoppers need space. Bloomingdales discovered ‘but brush syndrome’. Shoppers cannot bear to be even slightly touched from behind. No matter how intently they browse, pressure from behind will make them  move on. If you want someone to linger, give them space!
    2.Shopping is fun, paying is not. If the transactions are not crisp, if you cannot see an organised checkout, you are very likely to not end up buying. Some people just turn around and leave as soon as they see a busy checkout.
    3.Store layout is everything. A supermarket doubled sales of vitamins when they moved them away from the chilled fizzy drinks section. Older vitamin buyers had been rattled by the noisy kids getting the pop. In every case, people will move if they feel uncomfortable with what’s going on nearby.
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    The logical place to begin is with the retailers themselves.
    So what do retailers know? Everything you would think. That’s what they’d tell you. They know how many sales they’ve done, what the profit margin was, how much last weekend was better than this one…and on the whole, that’s about it.
    Retailers know little about what really goes on.
    THERE IS A DIRECT RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIME SPENT IN STORE AND HOW MUCH PEOPLE SPEND.
    Yet how many retailers know how long people spend in store?
    People are more likely to buy if they’ve spoken to a member of staff. Do they know the interception rate?
    We’ll see that people hate waiting. Really hate it. Do they know the average speed of transaction? Do they know average time of delivery?
    Agencies always talk about target audiences – but do we, or clients really know WHO visits and WHO buys?
    Who spends the most?
    Until they know stuff like this, they can never really claim to know what’s really going their stores.
    And since advertising is harder than ever before, shouldn’t the bit where people actually decide where and how to shop be as good as it can possibly be?
    Be_kind
    (Russell picture)

    Drive
    People walk how they drive – they keep to the left. Not only does signage need to reflect this, it really needs to work at all angles.
    Shelves and racks work better at an angle too- you don’t see road signs at 90 degrees of the road.
    That goes for packaging too! It’s usually designed to work face on, people rarely look at it that way at first. pakcaging needs to work for every concievable angle!.
    One final thing. Shoppers don’t know or care what you’re original intentions were. They’ll mould a shop and its wares into what they want. If you watch them closely, and learn, they can tell you a hell of a lot:
    •Like the women who buy men’s’ t-shirts for nightshirts.
    •Like the men waiting for their partner, sitting on a display because there’s no seats.
    •Like the drive thru where customers stop and eat in the car park because the restaurant is offers little privacy.
    •Like the people drinking take-away coffee on a bench opposite the shop, enjoying the sun.

    •

    It’s useful to try and create a pinball effect. People should always be able to sees somewhere else they want to visit. That means going instore, looking at the natural sightlines and interrupting them.
    There are other practical things to think about too. When people walk down an aisle and pick up what they want THEY WALK BACK THE WAY THEY CAME. The most popular gear should be where the most people will have to walk the most distance.
    But in the end, what a shopper wants, the shopper gets. Maybe in supermarkets there would be more new trial shoppers if there was a grab and go section at the front, for milk and bread. You would then have to seduce them like hell!
    By the way, different people shop at different times. First thing it’s Mums. After 5pm it’s workers. Shouldn’t you alter displays and signage to match?

    People will not give time to read stuff unless it’s interesting…..or relevant!
    Hands

    ……..and people need hands.
    It’s rare that people are not carrying something these days. Purse, wallet, briefcase, handbag or even child.
    Whatever you can do to free them up, you should. How many times do you go in a supermarket and end up with far more than you thought you would?
    How many times have you fumed at a checkout while someone fumbles to pay?
    Why would supermarkets discourage hands free shopping with £1 deposits on trolleys?
    Stores need to be designed for people with one hand, who may be juggling.
    Stupidboys

    Shopping demographics
    NO ONE SHOPS THE SAME, SO IT’S SENSELESS TO TRY AND MAKE THEM DO SO.
    That stands for people as individuals – but there’s some basic gender issues to think about first.
    Men
    Men don’t like shopping. In these liberated times, men still want to get through a store by thinking as little as possible. They look less, hate asking for help and when they find what they want, they want to escape in double quick time.
    •If a man tries something on, after investing that amount of time, the only thing stopping purchase is a bad fit.
    •While women take ages to choose style and colour and cut…
    •Men check price tags less and upgrade more easily.
    •They upgrade more easily, since they’re hugely suggestible. They’ll say yes to anything to escape the store!
    BUT MEN ARE NOT THE SAME BEASTS THEY WERE…
    • They stay single for longer – and get divorced. Women work now and household responsibilities are shared more. So household stuff must appeal to men a little more.
    • They’re less likely to go shopping with a list, and they say no to kids less.
    •They still get a big thrill from paying though – there’s a big opportunity to sell to a woman or child with a man (Dads spend more on children’s clothes and food than Mums)

    In  most cases though, when a woman goes shopping, men can be a problem. They get bored, they want to get out.
    A woman shopping with a friend spends twice as much time in store as woman with  a bloke!
    So if you want to sell to a woman, give him something to do. Maybe that’s a male crèche, maybe it’s being next door to a man shop.
    Men like information, they certainly don’t like talking to staff. Give him something useful to read!
    In some cases, you can get the man involved in the shop. Usually, it helps to think of the flipside of the female experience:
    •A woman cares about what a sofa looks like. He wants am armrest big enough to balance the remote on. He’ll appreciate how stuff was made. Imagine a furniture store with loads of info on how the stuff got made – he’ll appreciate something to read, and you’re selling to him.
    •If they’re both in a supermarket, get him off her back with beertasting.
    •Men have to cook these days – wow them with the coolness of the appliances.
    •Men want to know about the suction of a hoover – POWER!!!.
    •In general, as men lose more machismo, the stuff they buy needs to make up for it.

    •

    •
    Hippies
     

    …and there’s no point excluding women from traditional male strongholds anymore.
    As women buy their own homes, and couples share more tasks, bloke shops need to be more women friendly.
    Like B&Q purposely becoming more lifestylee. Like paints becoming a style choice.
    People that sell technology should be mindful of this. Women don’t worship gadgets, they want to know how technology can make their life better – and simpler. So a phone, a computer or even a car just has to work, and be practical.
    Car retailers do this really badly. The other week, I saw a couple looking at a Ford Ka. The MALE salesman sold to the MALE partner while his other half quietly burned. Single women buy their own cars, and married women still want to choose their own. And how many car dealers are remotely family friendly?
    And imagine going into a car servicing garage and being served by a women. What a difference it would  make!
    Imagine Sony bringing out some laptops that look pretty, with different shells to match the woman’s mood. Imagine an ad campaign lampooning men buying gadgets they don’t need, or really understand?
    Monsters

    Children go everywhere these days. Shopping has to be done in family time, so shopping has to be a legitimate leisure pursuit.
    So if a store doesn’t look like it welcomes children, it misses out on the parents too. That means aisles wide enough for prams, automatic doors and avoiding steps.
    Anything we can do to keep kids happy will pay off. And they can help us sell stuff through pester power.
    Just as adult stuff needs to go to eye level, kids stuff needs to be on THEIR level. Kids are the main market for pet treats, so they are best on the bottom shelf.
    But if you really want a parent’s attention, occupy the child. That might mean a crèche (but how many parents really want to leave their children with a stranger), it could mean a lollypop, an activity book like they give out on planes, or even video screens from every wall.
    In a coffee shop or other places that are BREAKS, anything that will give parents a break from entertaining their child will be very, very, welcome.

    Youth

    Men will have to shop for babies – and take care of them more. Imagine the baby bag, with the bottles and nappies in looking like a gymn bag. Or more mannish baby food (like the way they buy boys miniature football kits before they can crawl!!) Imagine selling moisturiser to men as a health product and selling it next to outdoor gear, or Creatin (bodybuilders are, naturally, very vain). Men’s Health is largely a male Cosmo with a very clever name.

    Teenagers are another breed altogether though.
    Sometimes a retailer wants them around. But force only strengthens resolve. One retailer got loiterers out if its car park by playing classical music!
    Unlike the trend for self expression in older people, teenagers want to fit in. They do this through the brands they choose.  They are far more expert at spying lies and bad ads too.
    The love finding stuff that’s intended for them and not grown ups. They love to browse with friends, but hate being seen with the parent they come back with to buy it. Discreet checkouts and layaway would really help this.
    This ‘really for them’ thing can be very powerful. Imagine merchandising for a Lynx competitor that was advice on sexual technique. Or how to pull.
    Imagine student bank that gave ‘life lessons’, or a free library.
    And while kids don’t want grown ups around, it works the other way too. At all costs, keep stuff for teenagers well away from grown up stuff.
    Spectaclesxxx
    If you’re able to read this, you are not the future….The Baby Boomer generation is a new type of old. Unlike their parents, they don’t deny themselves anything. And they certainly don’t want age to get in the way of self gratification.
    And thanks to the ageing population it’s them who will have all the cash.
    •They look and feel better for their age.
    •Retailers will have to adapt to them.
    •Eyesight falters at around forty. All our packaging and POS, not to mention websites will have to get bigger.
    •Colour gets harder to see. We’ll need more contrast and less dim light.
    •We’ll need stores that require less bending and stretching.
    •Larger sizes will have to be more easy to reach.
    •Mobile phones, DVD remotes, everything will have to get bigger.
    •The stuff we sell to young people will have to be made relevant to the old. From trainers replacing old fashioned comfy shoes, to making computers more idiot proof.

    •
    Sensation

    So that’s the end of part one. That’s the environment  made friendly. But what about the stuff that really makes people buy. So far we’ve covered the things that will just make people stay for awhile.
    People walk around a store unaware of what they’re doing. But they follow pretty universal rules. In the end, it’s not about what you put in front of people, it’s how they react to what they can see, feel, touch and smell.
    In the end, it’s love that makes the retail world go around – not least because we rarely buy for ourselves. Even when we buy something for just us, we have someone else’s image of ourselves in mind. But there are also some specific things that shoppers love to DO:
    Touch
    We live in a society deprived of tactility. So no wonder unplanned buying depends on what you can touch, smell and see. That’s why the web will never totally replace stores.
    Mirrors
    These will quite literally stop shoppers in their tracks
    Talking
    Friends buy more when they shop together. An atmosphere conducive to this helps
    Recognition
    Any contact with shoppers helps.
    Bargains
    Not cheapness! Rather the sense of discovering a well kept secret.
    They hate:
    Too many mirrors
    Waiting
    Having to ask dumb questions
    Goods out of stock
    Obscure price tags
    Bad service – intimidating, rude,slow, unintelligent, lazy, surly. Bad service can undo everything else you might do well!
    Picture1_3
    Ultimately, if we choose to buy something new, we’re buying into the idea that it’s promising something – and we want to trial it.
    If you look at children, they learn by touching. Looking at shoppers, that’s largely the same.
    Of course that stands for fabric based stuff, but we pick up lotions and lipstick, to feel what it will be like to dispense. We want to know how it will feel on the skin. When we design packaging, maybe part of the brief should be about FEEL.
    •You ‘heft’ a hammer before buying.
    •You put a bag over your shoulder before purchase.
    •You pick up a bottle of wine to feel the glass, and the shape of the bottle.
    Ultimately, if it’s high involvement, you need to investigate. So while no one needs to trial own Carling, they want to taste expensive Armenian beer.
    90% of new US grocery products fail – mostly because no one tries them. In food, and beauty, sampling is everything.
    What’s the point of wrapping quality paper or bog roll in plastic? How are you supposed to feel the quality?
    Imagine impregnating baby powder packaging with the smell, or shampoo.
    Imagine new beds smelling of fresh linen.

    We all have a healthy scepticism these days. We want to put stuff to the test.
    •How many computer store let you really use a computer before you buy it? They should.
    •People always pick up books and feel them in book shops.
    •We all squeeze bread.
    For a woman trying on clothes should be the best bit. But most changing rooms are soulless and a drudge. Imagine what a difference even fresh flowers would make.
    Shopping conversion goes up 100% with contact with staff AND a visit to the changing room. So it makes sense to make them inviting.
    How damaging to sales is it to keep digital cameras behind a glass wall?
    Why can’t phone stores have phones you can play with and make a call on? Or test the download speed?
    Imagine if HMV gave you fully loaded Ipods to wander around with.
    Imagine being able to trial a bed in private.
    Or watch TV on a sofa.
    Shoppers need to know it’s okay to touch by the way. Sometimes a store can be TOO neat.
    And imagine a supermarket handing out free samples of stuff in the checkout, as opposed to interrupting the flow of their shop….or those double glazing salesmen leaving something to read here, where people want a distraction!
    3

    In the end these are the big three things to think about:
    1.Design (premises)
    2.Merchandising
    3.Operations (staff)
    They are TOTALLY INTERELATED. Whatever you do in one area impacts on the other.
    So the policy in Gap of keeping everything neatly folded needs well trained staff to do it – and takes up a lot of time.
    In supermarkets, a decision to leave checkouts sparsely manned means a big effort through POS and leaflets to keep people occupied.
    This means that people involved in one area need to consider the others carefully. Architects and design agencies need to consider staffing levels, and each other’s jobs! And visit the bloody store.
    Designers might light rich, dark shades, but they show wear and tear very quickly in brightly lit stores.
    Most stores have minimum staff these days to keep margins low,. How can merchandising lighten their load? Or architecture? Like self service checkouts, or shelves that require less tidying (imagine keeping aspirin in bins under a big blow up of the label).
    Fast

    Shoppers hate waiting – and the funny thing about waiting is that it doesn’t conform to Greenwich Mean Time. After 90 seconds of waiting, human perceptions of time start to go awry. If you ask a shopper who’s been waiting 2 minutes how long they’ve been there, they’re likely to tell you 4.
    That’s why drive thru’s work so well. They feel faster because you tend to be moving. Just like ‘short cuts’ when you’re driving. There are ways to bend time the other way though..
    Interaction
    Time goes quicker after you’ve spoken to an employee – and telling them the wait will be finite and controlled helps too.
    Orderliness
    Seeing that a queue is crisp and fair. Worrying about which queue will be the the quickest does not help
    Companionship
    It helps to have someone to talk to. Target waiting lone shoppers first.
    Diversion
    ANYTHING. Free samples, something to read.
    And stopping shoplifting can HARM profit. If it stops trial and keeps people waiting, is it really saving you money?
    Finally, checkouts are the FINAL impression. They need to be as dazzling as they can be but….
    Hotels make checking out a living hell!
    The co-op makes food buyers wait for people buying lottery tickets!!!
    Magic
    But when you get to the heart of shopping there are some magic acts that can encourage people to buy without really thinking about it.
    1.We’ve been over having shelves facing people when they walk already.
    2.But adjacencies work a treat. Things that go together in life, but don’t seem to get put together in shops – like fragrances and clothes, chocolate and books, books with coffee. Belts should match shoes – and women notice hair and shoes on men first!! Is lipstick supposed to go with clothes?
    What about meat with correct herbs? Garlic with lamb? Healthy stuff never gets put with full fat – but surely a slice of cake is a reward for a salad?
    By the way, in cafes, crisps and drinks should always go after the sandwiches – they choose and sandwich and THEN what to have with it.
    Imagine powertools in a supermarket paint section.
    Or imagine POS that was useful as well as ‘selly’. Like a spice section that would tell you what the spices were like- and what they would add to a meal – or why they may be healthy. Imagine some POS that took the place of what’s too embarrassing to talk about – like men buying underwear for men, or a baby shop that gave free guides to kids – for parents who won’t admit they haven’t a clue.
    SEDUCE THEM.
    No banks really help demystify finances – yet we’re under more pressure to decide for ourselves than ever.
    Most people don’t know how a car works – and haven’t a clue what to say to a garage. Good literature could take the staff out of the equation.
    Copy

    The INTERNET will be no substitute for the original.
    As we’ve seen, too many purchasing decisions rely on the senses for us to ever do away with shops.
    This is a whole section in itself, but we’ll cover off four things.
    1.If you’re a retailer and you have a website it should do one of the following:
    •Promote your image – offer some sort of brand experience.
    •Maximise information about you and what you sell.
    •Be a scaled down capsule version of your store.
    •Offer a wide choice far beyond the limitations of a shop.
    2. If it’s an e-commerce site, in essence you’re selling an online shop. That means all the environmental cues we’ve covered apply to a website!
    3. Websites do not have to be independent of a store! Supermarkets are good at covering off staples online – so that people come in to shop for the sexy stuff.
    Imagine DFS having something online that lets you see a few styles in your room- and makes the instore experience about feel and comfort.
    4. If you’re going to have a web only business, it helps to maximise the IDEAS and added value online. Niches and specialists work very well. In the end, people will shop online to:
    •Grab and go – they know exactly what the want
    •Browse to waste time
    •Search for stuff you cannot find on the high street – that is THE value of Ebay.
    •Get in touch without a call centre
    •Actually get info on what they’re thinking of buying in a shop – and find themselves completing anyway.
    Choosing for yourself is hard – and lists online work very, very well.
    People may like to think they choose for themselves, but people like to buy popular stuff, it’s simply less risk. That’s how Richard and Judy’s Book Club works so well.
    But there is no reason why they shouldn’t work in a shop. That’s why record shops make sure you can always see the top tens.

    So there we have it. The topline results of thousands of hours watching people shop.
    These are good guides to follow and hopefully, some food for thought.
    But don’t relax. Don’t sit back and think, “We’ve cracked it”. Even if we have.
    Shopping does not stand still. Granted, humans don’t evolve quickly enough to make us worry too much about environmental changes.
    Yet most 1970’s retailers are extinct. So will most 2000’s retailers. Who will die out? Will Starbucks disappear? Will Primark? Will DFS?
    Shopping follows social change – and if it doesn’t, it dies. So it’s futile looking at the competition as the arch enemy – it’s LIFE!.
    One final thing. Watts Wacker, futurologist du jour says, “Men are becoming exotic housepets”. Women are ruling the roost in every sense of the word. Right now we have to pay attention to how women want to live – or show men how to deal with this.
    And that’s enough to be going on with now. Hope it helps.

    Old people hate newfangled stuff, but it’s them who will be able to afford it.

    Like the people on their own in a café reading, and re-reading the menu – desperate for something else to be interested in.

    In the end, shoppers will stay longer and therefore spend more in an amenable environment.
    There are some hard and fast rules for this:
    Give them a landing strip
    Imagine someone rushing from the car park, or off the pavement. They are focused on the door – so imagine how much of the window display they take in!. For the first ten yards, they are getting their bearings. Any information above ‘go here first’ is a waste of time and money. But a friendly hello works a treat. You could take the landing strip outside of course…
    Judging point of sale in boardroom is a waste of time – and store layout is everything
    The only way to do it is put yourself if the same position as the people who will see it. That means going in store before and after you start. Will it work if you’re walking at speed? Will that pass the time in a queue?
    POS is there to help people navigate around a store and tell them what they light like to investigate. It should mirror how customers move about the store – where are the natural pauses? Where are they bored and want something to read?
    There is no need to give all the info at once, you can give it bit by bit as they walk around – seduce them!
    By the way, mirrors slow people down!
    There are some great places for leaflets and detail. Always when you’re waiting. Think of a café where people stand and wait for their order. Or people eating on their own who want a distraction (think of how we read the back of cereal packets). 75% of people re-read the menu while they wait for their order. And the self serve condiments bit is great to start people thinking about the next course!
    But the checkout is THE place to give people a distraction – in any store!

    How people really shop – why the choose what they do.

  • Waiting

    I’m waiting for some news right now, which will probably be bad. It’s true that it’s taking a fair while  – but the more I think about it, the longer it seems to take. Which is why I’m making myself crazy busy. And you know what? That saying  – "A watched pot never boils" and actually has a scientific basis.

    Water

    The internal clock we all have is a loop of neurons running around the ganglia. And it takes about a tenth of a second to do a loop  – one tick of your body clock. But guess what? When the brain gets warm, it goes faster. Same thing happens under the influence of adrenalin. A bit of stress, rushing around, getting anxious, makes time seem to go a lot quicker. On the other hand, doing nothing just waiting seems to last forever.

    Thank God for the music challenge.

  • Quick food for comfort and energy

    Being unhappy requires comfort food, while getting mad enough to do something about it needs an energy boost. So here’s two recipes.

    First up is lasagne. This is quick version, we’ll do a slow, deep and unctuous one another time. This is in no way authentic, just really comforting – it’s about a quick loving hug. You need:

    Quick bolognese sauce (same quantity)

    Dry lasagne sheets

    Pint of milk

    Heaped teaspoon of flour

    Decent block of  cheddar cheese grated

    Big knob of butter

    Make the meat sauce first (or even better, you’ll have made a big vat in one go, divided into portions from the freezer whenever you need them).

    Then make this easy white sauce. Put the butter in small pan and melt gently over a hob. Then whisk is all the flower – you’ll have a thick paste. Pour in all the milk and whisk it like crazy until it all goes smooth. Turn the hob up to a moderate heat and keep whisking briskly until it comes to the boil and thickens. That’s it. You MUST do it slowly, or the milk will burn and stick to the pan. 5 minutes all told.

    Now put it all together in  a square lasagne dish. Smooth a thin layer of meat sauce over the bottom, then a layer of pasta. If you like lasagne runny, make sure it doesn’t go to the very edges. Sheets never fit, so you’ll have to snap some to fit.

    Put on another layer of meat sauce. If you like it runny, use half the sauce left, if not, use a third. Dot all over with white sauce, but not too much, and add a layer of pasta. If you’re going for the runny version, do just once more. If not, twice more.

    Then  pour the rest of the white sauce over the final layer of pasta, spreading evenly with a wooden spoon. Finally, cover the mixture with grated cheese.

    Cover the dish with foil and put in the oven for half an hour at 180 degrees C. Then take off the foil and leave for another ten minutes. It’s ready, and it’s marvelous. In case you were wondering, the foil stops the cheese burning and keeps the top layer of pasta moist, making sure the middle is piping hot.

    The second recipe is an simple chilli spaghetti. Quick, packed with carbs and fiery enough to fuel some action.

    Put a big pan of salted water on to boil. While it’s heating up, chop up a clove of garlic, and two red chillis. If you don’t like too much fire, remove the chilli seeds.

    Once the water’s boiling put in a good fistful of spaghetti. It will take ten minutes to cook.

    Put a tblsp of olive oil into small pan and gently fry the garlic and chilli. While it starts to bubble, half the cherry tomatoes and throw them in. Add a glug of white whine, turn the heat up until the wine starts to bubble.

    The pasta should be about done. Drain in in colander and return to the pan, over a moderate heat. Straight away, pour in the tomato and chilli mixture and stir it all in as hard as you can. Serve straight away, preferably with grated Parmesan. Done.

  • Smiths v Boney M – a no brainer

    In case you were wondering what all the cryptic ‘get Marcus’ stuff was about, here’s the explanation. Marcus said The Smiths were rubbish. Now I happen to love the Smiths and told him so, wondering if Marcus had lost his musical taste in the land that loves Hasslehof.

    Smiths_8

    Marcus got all shirty, claiming that Boney M are:

    1. German (correct)

    2. Good, ergo being in Germany cannot affect musical taste, and better than the Smiths anyway (dead wrong).

    To settle the argument, we turn to you, the discerning blog reader to decide through voting.

    There will be three rounds.

    Here’s the schedule:

    • Round 1: Best Album artwork: (Sunday 9th – Thursday 13th)
    • Round 2: Best Music: (Sunday 16th – Thursday 20th)
    • Round 3: Culture influence beyond the band: (Sunday 23rd – Thursday 27th)

    The loser has to Ipod sing the winning band’s music online. It was flying to other’s home city to buy them a beer, but Marcus let me off since I have no holiday time and no money. Also he knows that the shame of singing Boney M is enough.

    But it won’t come to that of course, because common sense will prevail.

    And Marcus, or Kaiser or whatever you wish to call yourself, you may be cleverer and more likable than me, but in the end you have no chance. The darkness from the North is ready.

    Here’s his lame launch if you can be bothered.

  • Young upstart

    Partyme

    I’m going to need all the dark energy I can muster this week. The precocious David Mortimer is doing a week’s work experience with me. Exactly how I’m going to avoid him showing me up I don’t know. With any luck, I can mine hime for ideas and pass them off as my own when he’d gone. I feel better already.

    Gameclaw

  • Canary Wharf and the energy of anger

    100_1787

    While we were in London to see Prince, we had a look at Canary Wharf, since it was a stone’s throw from Greenwich. I used to work there and wanted to show Julie what it was like, even though it’s changed a bit since I was there ten years ago.

    It’s funny how going back somewhere brings things flooding back. I was miserable, hating my job selling advertising for the Independent, and not too keen on wearing a suit and tie either. Every single day seemed to last forever, I did have a laugh in London too but in the end I couldn’t wait to leave. I was a different person back then doing the things you would a 23 year old singleton to do in London, it’s strange to think of that person, who hadn’t made enough mistakes yet to know how little he knew. I do have something common with my old self though.

    That’s fight. I was angry then, I used every ounce of loathing and hatred for that job to get me through endless interviews, or should I say rejections, for my first agency job.It got me through the Docklands Light Railway (no Jubilee Line then) and living with two stockbrokers who played war games. (The other flatmate helped, an impossibly good looking Frenchman called David who was a runner for a film company. I managed to meet some interesting women thanks to him – basically the friends of his endless supply if love interest – "’Bonjour, I’m Daveeed",  was all it took for him).

    I’m angry now, frustrated, ready for a fight. So I’m ready to churn up some lengths in the pool, I’m going to do my job twice as well as ever before, and Marcus Brown is about to find out what happens when you mess with an angry Yorkshireman. Rage can be destructive, but if you can control is, it provides the energy to go that little bit further, just a bit faster, be just a bit better.

  • A shadow rises in the North

    Vader

    Things will be dark around here for a little while. This mostly to do with something I dearly wanted to happen looking like it won’t. I don’t know for sure that it’s the case, but if it is, I have reason to believe it’s to do with me trying to tell people what they wanted to hear, rather than standing my ground. And it was all about rigour too.

    As someone who has endless fight in them, and goes on about doing it right enough on this blog, I can’t quite work out what to angry about the most; being a clot who should have known better, or the (potential) thing I missed out on.

    So things will be a touch flinty around here for awhile. This isn’t all that bad, since there’s the small matter of showing Marcus who’s boss. Some of you may not know what that means yet, but you will.

    This would be enough, but that swim I was training for got canceled too. I’ve been quietly simmering about this, but the above is tipping me over the edge.

    This is only the start.