NORTHERN PLANNER

The worst thing you can do in research is ask people about your brand or product.

Because they really don't think or talk about it in real life.

Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers.

 

Just as when people can, and do, pay to avoid advertising.

Asking them to talk about it in research, is like asking them to define irony.

 

It's not new to say people don't care about brands, they care about life.

But how many of us really set out to research real life?

How many really care?

To make stuff people will actually thank you for making?

 

I saw a funny LinkedIn post about banned insights.

Like 'young people have it tough'.

Yet how many brands have you seen actually helping with this?

 

I LOVE this Travelodge campaign.

 

It deals with the obvious.

Staying in a low cost hotel is still a lot better than the alternatives.

Maybe boring is still better than chaos.

I bet it works because it remembers to actually sell, remember that?

And it gets to the heart of actual real life.

Oh, and I imagine it deals with a commercial problem.

A dip in bookings as people save money – then bitterly regret the consequences. 

 

Obvious insights are amazing to use when adland is too cool to use them. 

When you understand what is really going on, how you could fit in.

The possibilities are endless.

Even so called low interest categories become interesting.

 

The drumbeat of everyday conversations at a very surface level are full of tension right now.

Cost of living, tensions around the world, paying for heating now it's cold. 

These things sound obvious, but how is your brand really relevant to obvious real life?

You could make coffee a way to make tough days more bearable. 

You could make a chat over coffee a way for lonely men over 45 (a genuine real world problem) to make friends.

You could make cleaning the house a way to feel able in world that makes us feel powerless

 

When Daniel Craig became James Bond.

They realised men were a bit confused about their place in the world.

So made him a flawed confused character to reflect the world around him.

 

It shouldn't be a conversation about injecting humour into ads.

I heard a real client conversation about humour being a bit crass in serious times.

When a human being knows in serious times, we all look for ways to cheer ourselves up.

Trust me, parts of the 80s were miserable in the UK.

Unemployment, strikes and, well, Thatcher.

Did everyone stop watching Only Fools and Horses because real life wasn't funny for many?

Don't be a plonker Rodney. 

 

Final point.

Campaign Magazine is out.

With 10 key questions.

All the usual naval gazing stuff.

Do brands mean anything any more?

What do we do about AI?

Obviously, like a great white shark, we need move forward or die.

But the real question is relevance to the only folks that matters, real people who decide to buy things or not.

If can't remember to be relevant to them, we're fish food. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The biggest challenge with being a planning/strategy type is that everyone things they can do your job. 

But like many things, it's easy until you actually have to do it.

Let's be honest actually, it's not that hard to be an okay planner these days.

Since many places prefer a process being ticked, rather than brilliantly simple, informed ideas that change things.  

Being a great planner though, that takes great writing, sharp thinking and ideas. 

That is not easy, yet most of our workplace makes it harder.

 

Because doing your best work required you to be at your best.

Yet the actual work is often squeezed in between all the other stuff. 

Status meetings, check in meetings, lots of meetings, meetings about meetings. 

It's often the case you finally do deep work when you're tired out.

Come on.

How can you do your best work when you're brain dead from overlong status call? 

 

The very structure of the working day gets in the way.

Most people are far better in mornings than afternoons.

To the point where the difference in mental performance is as stark as being drunk or sober. 

Yet who gets to escape the Monday morning start the week meetings?

 

To be more precise, hard concentration is much better done in mornings.

But flashes of insight and out of the box ideas are better in the afternoon.

Because the rational brain is too tired to fight the absurd.

 

So in organisations that are supposed to deliver great thinking and fresh ideas.

Isn't it absurd how the working day is shaped to get in the way of the very thing that makes us money?

 

But then there is you.

The brain is a muscle.

When you require other muscles to work, you warm them up.

You leave the usual environments for places like gyms.

You pay over the odds for bits of polyester and plastic called 'kit'.

Cycling men even shave their legs to feel ready for battle.

 

Yet we sit in the same desks to deep work as we do for timesheets.

We click off emails and get straight into it.

The best work takes all we've got.

Yet we tie our own hands behind our backs.

 

We need to change WHEN we work.

We need to change HOW we work. 

But let's be honest, even though they should, most places will not abandon the current situation.

Here's what I do. I hack the system, I hack myself. 

I have to, I'm not naturally very good at this job, I have to work harder at it.

But even if you're naturally brilliant, imagine how much better you could be if you have yourself the chance? 

1. Have a morning routine. I get outside for at least 10 minutes (at least), HiiT exercise for at least 7 minutes, 10 minutes meditation (or just Wim How breathing techniques). All before I start work -and yes, I have children, I just get up earlier. All this gets me warmed up and energised to work well. If you commute, make sure you power walk for some of it, medicate on the train, don't doom scroll. 
2. Consider fasting in mornings, it clears brain fog (coffee reduces appetite).
3. Start work at least an hour before everyone else, in many cases, even earlier. Do the hard jobs that matter first.
4. Do everything you can to avoid morning meetings, put one and two hour blocks in my diary for proper hard work.
5. Work 25 minutes on, 5 minutes off. Little breaks, maximum effort.
6. Block social media, internet and most phone stuff in mornings so my brain is doing one things and getting into flow state.
7. Power nap around lunchtime just 20 minutes, then espresso and 5 minutes exercise -which mitigates a lot of afternoon crapness (naps in an office are tough culturally, a walk is not)
8. But I will have left most admin and low level tasks for afternoons, most meetings will be happening now if I have anything to do with it.
9. If I'm remote working, which I get to do a lot, I'll do an hour's hard exercise – mostly cycling. I have the time because I haven't wasted time. 
10. Then I'll try and re-look at projects when I've done lots of hard work already, but it's just not there yet –  the subconscious will have done lots of work for me, now I let it come out while I'm too tired to fight it. Get it all out, leave the tough work to turn it into gold for later.
11. I'll get a second wind late afternoon, early evening. I have kids, I have a life, but I often have another run at things.
12. I have thinking place and a doing place – just like the act of putting on Nike's to run, I'll sit in a thinking chair – and in an open plan office, switch seats to think rather than do. It's obvious, but it works, just as Bruce Wayne puts on the Batsuit yet doesn't gain any actual superpowers.

Much of this works for me because I'm me, other things will work better for you, but most is based on real science on what works for most people.

It doesn't require more time, just smarter use of it.

It's easy because it's building habits, and habits are what gets us through most days, we just need good ones.

Two final thoughts:

We all use QWERTY keypads. They were designed for old style typewriters to slow people DOWN so the mechanical action wouldn't jam. But we still use it simply because we always have. The 9-5 routine, a rough splodge of activity is like that. But you can hack the system and hack youself. 

It's amazing how much time you have, and how good you are,  when you put your phone away.

 

The title is a poor bastardisation of that famous line. Sorry, I'm not David Abbot. 

'A poor workman always blames his tools'.

The idea that it's the skills, craft and effort of the person that makes or breaks a project.

This is true, up to a point. 

But while tools can't cover up lack of talent or experience, they can enhance them. 

 

I work on a high end cookware brand.

It doesn't make someone a better cook logically.

But the history, craft and sheer stories behind the brand.

Mean that when you use it, you feel you're part of a tribe of capable cooks.

I've seen eyes light up, shoulders straighten and kitchen tasks just flow.

Because when people FEEL capable, they become capable.

 

I worked on a hair straighter brand that was built on female empowerment.

I saw women in qual research, miming running a straighter through their hair like it was a magic wand. 

Women walking out of salons like titans.

No conflict between beauty and brains, beauty makes one feel more powerful.

And there's nothing more powerful than  being underestimated.

 

I layout pad and sharpie doesn't think of ideas for me.

Yet is makes me feel I can have ideas. 

 

I'll let you into a secret. 

I moved from account handling to planning while I was at a small independent agency.

It took a while for others to take the ex-account handler seriously.

It took a while for me to take myself seriously too, despite 'doing planning' was the only way I survived as a suit!!!

But when stole things like the McCann Brand Footprint (still useful by the way).

When I wrote briefs in the same style as W+K Honda briefs I got hold off.

When I thieved the BBH brief structure.

When I mimicked the story of some case studies.

I felt like a real planner, so I actually became a real planner.

Just as cooking with a the cast iron favourite of a generations of great cooks makes you feel like one too.

 

Now, obviously don't confuse a process or framework with actual thinking.

They are useful tool to make the chaos and uncertainty of ideas look predictable to clients. 

Just don't let a process become the point.

 

But while everything you need is already inside.

The right tools bring it out.

Gives great ideas hooks to hang on. 

Form to fog. 

 

So that original quote was right – don't rely on tools, you make it happen.

But tools can be a conduit to get the best out of yourself.

A way to overcome the tyranny of the blank page.

The conduit for ideas that cut through the chaos.

 

You are enough.

But with tools used wisely, you can be more. 

 

I was in a pitch recently, it went well.

Some of that was the thinking, the work and the things you might expect.

Most of it was down to the conversation.

From the first minute, the meeting was a conversation punctuated by conversation starters, also known as 'slides'. 

Chemistry magically emerged from positive friction.

Now, we've all been in those odd meetings when no one says a word and you almost feel as if you're talking to yourself.

In rare cases, that's the way it is, in others, to get people to talk you only need to give them something to talk about and the room to do it. 

Plan for a series of conversations rather than a monologue. 

 

There are very good reasons to discuss rather than dictate.

I don't know if you've been pitched to, but I can tell you it's intimidating.

A team throwing their best work at you, usually with lots of key points to think about.

It can be hard to take in and too much to respond to in one go.

Yet everyone needs to give some sort of feedback.

On something new, that they haven't got their head around yet.

Which means thoughts will be half formed and not well thought out.

(which is why you should always try and speak last in a creative review, give yourself time to work out what you think). 

But as soon as they have to comment, they won't devoid from that point in order to save face.

Better to take them on journey, building together.

 

Which brings me to the other point – The Ikea Effect.

Conversation makes them feel they are part of making the solution.

And we all love things we've built ourselves.

Agencies are supposed to be the fun bit, so make it fun. 

 

It means you have to think on your feet, which in turn  means being uber prepared.

But it also means looking for connection and agreement.

Rather than  bending people to your will. 

I won't lie, in the meeting I'm talking about, right at the start,  there was a wobble when the client wasn't going to align with our main points.

But there was a turning point when we reframed our direction to align with their thinking and thanked them for the input.

 

So yes, discuss, don't dictate.

Just be clear on the key things that really matter.

In a pitch, clients need to know they can work with you, not just if you're any good.

And no one likes likes working with a smart arse. 

When I was growing up, people used to say "I loved that ad for whatsisname"
No matter how good the ad was, it really wasn't good if didn't build the brand
Yes, I know, low involvement processing etc
But that always struck me as a lazy excuse to not make the logo bigger
Content, PR and social strategists should consider this
It should be obvious that followers and likes and are mostly vanity
That you're most likely reaching people who would buy you anyway
But we're seeing lots of evidence that digital stuff can build brands
It just needs to be good enough to hold attention for a few secs
Not rocket science is it?
Even so, attention is a waste if you don't remember the brand
Then again, if it looks like advertising, it will be ignored
So what to do?
Think more like a media owner and less like a brand
Where a worldview and mindset comes through every piece
You know what to expect when you watch Channel 4
And watching Channel 4 makes you know what to expect
The Guardian, Fox News, The New Yorker
Lots of writers and creators all contributing the same point of view of the world
The collective voice of your audience
Think like an editor and less like a marketer
Be more Channel 4

Obviously, in good restaurants, the food is great because of the craft skills of the chef and the quality of the ingredients.

However, when I was a graduate working in pretty decent kitchen, the head chef was humbly honest.

She said it tasted better because they add levels of salt and butter few dare to at home.

That's a little like strategy. 

You can't do the job without decent ingredients or craft skills. 

Deep knowledge of market, brand, product, audience, context, culture (in my opinion) solving a well honed problem.

All put into a key task, sanded down so it gleams. 

But without lashings of butter and salt: imagination, an idea not a process you have ticked.

Without the seasoning that gets everyone excited.

You have correct, but unremarkable blandness.

People won't care.

Not your colleagues or clients, who decide on emotion, whatever they tell themselves.

Not real people out in the world filtering out most of what they see and experience.

Who buy on feelings more than facts. 

Salt gets the blood pressure up, it gets the heart racing.

Butter adds richness and depth. 

That's not so great for long term health in cooking.

For long term brand health, it's essential. 

Warren Buffet is a man to be admired. He's obviously a good investor and manages to be a good bloke. 

He's pretty good at the odd turn of phrase like this one, "Be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful".

It mostly means don't follow the herd, there is huge competitive advantage in not following the trends. 

 

Yet, despite advice from the the man who know to make money better than most.

Most agencies and brands do the opposite. 

Put up pictures of most ads in a category, they all look the same.

Then again, so many briefs seek to 'Disrupt' and shock people into being interested. 

So much work follows the same trends everyone has read.

So the same cool shit becomes wallpaper. 

When life at the moment is more interesting (euphemism) than ever.

Brands have forgotten to be interested in real life.

 

Planners too.

 

Relying on a social listening and masses of data to get a proxy of people.

Instead of seeing the whites of their eyes. 

It shouldn't take this, very important work from Saatchi and Saatchi on Meet the 85% to know how they feel right now. 

Scared, confused, frustrated, knackered. 

Life is full of tension and new habits and attitudes, yet most don't see it.

Betting on Metaverses rather than life. . 

 

Right now the truth is awkward and myths are easy.

Myths that people ever cared about brands rather than real life.

That anyone knows what's going on right now, when it's really chaos. 

That distinctive assets are the way to win rather than making people care. 

That approaching marketing in the same way as the 1950s when economics, media and culture are all different will work. 

That we don't need to understand people anymore, just target then precisely.

That social media followers mean commercial success. 

That 'Gen Z' is a useful audience strategy.

 

But when the the truth is awkward and myths are easy.

It's a great time to be a planner with both old craft skills and new media skills.

With imagination and logic. 

Who's able to get to the real truth about what a client really means in real  life rather than a pen portrait.

Who's brave enough to want to solve business problems instead of brand problems (or drive performance metrics).

 

When best practice has become anything but, and myths and process matters more than truth.

Let's get to work. 

I love cycling, glued to the Tour de France this month.

Most think winning the Tour is a feat of individual endurance and it is.

But no can win without a team shield shielding them from the wind for most of the race.

 

When I was a competitive swimmer, it was incredibly hard. 

5 hours training a day, 7 years when my shoulders constantly ached.

I could never have done it without the people I trained with.

The friendship, support and simple feeling of not going through it alone. 

 

Which is why, when I  read Fortitude, a book that puncture's the myth of resilience, it made immediate sense. 

In a nutshell, extraordinary performers are driven by a trauma in earlier life.

It makes them winners in their fields but losers in real life, too focused on winning at all costs.

Many incredibly successful  but empty inside. 

Real, healthy ability to perform and deal with problems comes from connection to others. 

And having a purpose you care about. 

Living out of your comfort zone, but never so far the elastic snaps. 

 

Unfortunately, my early experiences of agencies was not like my experiences of swimming.

No one buoyed you up, it was sink or  swim (see when I did there).

I'll be honest, I started out in client services and failed. 

I was never going to make it because I'm too disorganised and honest to a fault.

But the culture back then didn't help, bullying was rife, blame was a weapon, survive or die. 

You could say it was a trauma, so you learned to be tough, to be 'resilient'.

I still shudder to think about some of the senior people I used to work for, but now I think I understand.

They had gone through exactly the same and didn't know any other way. 

They were still proving something to themselves.

Not knowing how to live, still fighting to survive.

Abusers were once the abused. 

 

I feel sorry for many of them now. 

I'm not totally immune though. 

I can still overpromise, stressing alone rather than admit weakness, because once you couldn't say no. 

I push too hard for excellence because once upon a time, nothing was good enough. 

I still get that sinking feeling when a stressful pitch is over. 

And feel more relieved at winning than elated. 

These, thankfully are exceptions, not  rules. 

 

Now I work like. used to swim.   

Working out of my comfort zone, but not too far.

Never letting others down, but learning to say no. 

Demanding the best from others, but knowing the best comes from happy people, not zombies.

Riding into the wind for others sometimes, sometimes letting them do it too. 

Looking for ways to collectively improve, not blame. 

 

There are still many out there who are brutal on themselves and others.

Who think you need to bleed at the cutting edge. 

Don't let them pass on what they have learned.

Help them get off their masochistic treadmill. 

For their wellbeing and yours. 

You are not you're job. 

You're enough. 

I did pitch recently, it was the usual chaos, it always is.

Nothing much happens at first, around half way through, things actually began to happen.

Until, finally, the day before when all the things that could have been done weeks ago get done (someone reads the brief). 

 

It's not just pitches, it's people.

A study looked at a wide variety of industries and projects and found that, no matter the type, little get's done until after half way.

Then momentum builds towards a final panic/rush of activity/push of productivity, confusion or whatever you want to call it.

 

Of course, part of me thinks, great, I'll put my feet up until everyone else wakes up half way.

The Tour De France is on, what better excuse?

 

Except I'm just as bad at projects working alone. I suspect we all are. 

Stare at a brief, make post it notes to pretend I'm mind mapping, research that's really putting off thinking.

Then halfway, the fear of having nothing, the relief of a direction, the stress of making it watertight. 

So what to do?

 

With team projects, either purposeful procrastination or bootcamp.

Bootcamp is simple. Do the project and nothing else in two days – just put an insane deadline in.

The problem with this is working against how the brain performs best. 

The subconscious is genius and works through all sorts in the background – as long as you feed it, that's where flashes of insight come from.

They are not bolts from the blue, they're connections the subconscious clicks into place.

Ideas happen slowly and all of a sudden. 

 

So I say use the time wisely.

Relax, read, find reference, talk about it, write the odd note, read things that might be a parallel.

Don't sit on your arse, feed the subconscious. 

Then when half way comes, it will oblige you with gold. 

 

Then again, sometimes you're up against it and you need quick  as well as quality.

Here are some ways to jump start, jolt the brain into action and out of it's comfort zone, mostly by shaking up the process.

Most are useful workshop techniques – don't shout, a workshop on yourself just means not having to endure groupthink.

Or 'there are no bad ideas'. There are. 

So…

Write down the wrong thing to do, then try and make it work.

Write down the wrong thing to do, then do the opposite.

Write down the obvious solution, pick your favourite film – develop the the obvious based on the film..

(get people to drink more instant coffee instead of posh ground beans inspired by the hunger games – either reframe posh coffee culture as a conspiracy to get you paying more for stuff that doesn't taste different, or portray daily life as daily hunger games for instant drinkers who get shit done rather than poncing around  - you could even have a content series where team instant competes with team beans. None of this is good but I only had a minute). 

Put your brand with something it shouldn't be with, then make it work. 

Find what you admire in the target audience, where does that take you?

What would really piss off the competition?

Write what the competition could do to stop you reaching the objective. What will you do about it? 

Read something odd and outside your comfort zone – why is it interesting? How could it help solve the brief? 

What is the competition's strength? How do you turn it into a weakness.

My favourite – what is the real emotional truth in the category or the problem?…….

Few companies really understand what they mean, or what they could mean in real life, they forget to make people care.

All Nike does is show how sport can make anyone feel better about life, no matter how average of miserable they are.

Most countries tense about immigration would stop working without it (UK racists love a good Indian takeaway, a German supermarket took away all imported or non-traditional German food to proved the point). 

Dove know that beauty is supposed to make women feel good, not bad. 

Coffee makes the daily grind more bearable.

Ikea in the UK knows it's the little things that make the biggest difference to our daily lives.

They knew that Christmas is a stress because your private home is on show.

Men buy women flowers to pretend to be thoughtful (so Interflora should coach them to BE thoughtful in real life too).

More and more men do extreme sports to feel they have some agency in a world that leaves them feeling powerless.

Men like football because they wouldn't be able to talk to each other otherwise.

Anyway.

 

Starting is hard.

Work with the halfway rule, not against it.

But when you need to start, jolt your brain by workshopping on yourself.

Hope it helps. 

 

1. Follow the damned rules

2. Never help others break the rules

3. Help guide those who don't know any better

4. No matter what your excuse is for breaking the rules, it isn't good enough

5. It's all about the work. The only point of any strategic set up (and try showing the creative, the plan, or the content idea etc first and then show how you got there) is to help the client understand why you're recommending what you are recommending. Take the time to write less, they like value being added, you should be giving them insight they haven't considered, or reframing the brief in an inspirational way, but mostly, when they have 20 agencies, research partners and God knows what else, whatever agency you're in, it's more about helping them see the wood for the trees and compressing the hurricane of information they're flailing in, down to one clear task, or three clear principles. No one is sitting there thinking 'I can't wait to see the strategy' they want to see the work/the plan/the content etc. That goes for a strategic presentation too, they don't want chart after chart, they want you to get to a proposition/organising thought/task for communications quickly – that's the 'work' too. It's all about the work. Anyone who says otherwise is either and brandbabbler (as Ad Contrarian would say) or someone who charges a lot for process, rather than ideas and results.

6. Toughen the fuck up.You will sometimes have to work late. You will sometimes have to work on a weekend. You will sometimes have to get up early. Your finest work will get rejected. Your finest work will get approved and then killed when budgets get cut. The occasional long hours are the job. The unpredictability and rejection are just business. Your clients answer to a board who don't care about ads and think marketing isn't that difficult. Their business is subject to market fluctuations therefore so are you. A booked media plan will get canned, an ad will get banned unfairly, a client will change their mind. It's called life, no, it's called business. That said, presenteeism is even worse, see Rule 83. 

7. Toughen up even more if you're a planner. 90% of creative's work gets rejected, this makes them slightly sociopathic, if you want crazy great ideas, working with weird folks is one of the things you have to deal with. Creatives deal with rejection all the time. Suits want stuff off their desk and deal with the sharp edge of client business. You always run the risk of being a barrier to the work a creative wants doing, or a suit getting stuff done on time. Few love a planner, the best you can hope for is being tolerated. Get hard.

8. Suits must toughen up even more. See above. No one likes you unless you get them extra budget, defend them from the client, get the travel stuff sorted our or make the tea and coffee. To quote Gordon Gecko, if you want a friend, get a dog.

9. Workshops should never, ever last more than four hours. After that, everyone is silently praying all this will end.

10. Workshops are a waste of time. Trojan horses of mediocrity to quote Adliterate. These are a way for people with bad ideas and little imagination to get really, really smelly ideas into the mix. Only workshop when you have no choice. And if you must have one, employ dirty tricks to get what you need out of it (see Rule 11)

11. Use workshops as major tool for dirty planning. If you have the kind of client, or stakeholder group who never approve anything unless it's their idea, it's time for a workshop. Just make sure you know what the answer is and structure the day and your moderation on helping folks think for themselves.

12. Creatives must reject the brief in all cases, no exceptions. Usually, it's because the brief is crap. Sometimes, it's because it's really great, but no creative will acknowledge this. A creative lives or dies by their ideas, that includes anything sort of strategic. Even if the brief is good, creatives must use the first review to make it look like a good strategy was their idea in the first place.

13. Ignore everything a social strategist says.

14. Media Owners and content partners must ignore the brief at all times. Three rounds of research the client has payed through the nose for, then going back and forth over the comms strategy, the usual tussle between agencies, the three rounds of creative. None of this matters because no one gets content like a media owner, no one else knows how to surprise and delight people like they do. So every presentation needs to have a major piece of work done by a strategist, with a killer insight, such as 'people look up to sports stars' or 'men like driving cars to escape'. Then the brand needs to be reinvented. All this needs to be wrapped up in mediawank language and take forever before you get a re-writing of the creative lexicon with stuff like 'lets go behind the scenes of sports stars training'. Or even better 'tell stories about why men have always loved driving'.

15. Anyone who isn't a media owner should always treat media owners with extreme caution. Never let them present straight to the  client without leaving at least two weeks between you seeing it first and the presentation date.

16. If you work in media agency, take every opportunity to make a creative agency work with a media owner of other content partner. It will complicate everything, but the comedy you will see unfolding totally makes up for it.

17. Ignore everything a brand consultant says. Everything. They get paid to come up with a hallowed document that will change everyone's fortunes, only for you to find it's just a few words in boxes that no one can get any decent work or direction from.

18. If you are short of money, get into brand design. Getting paid thousands to change the pantone reference of the logo, or change one word in a strapline no one cares about is perhaps even easier money than brand consultants.

19. Just call yourself a planner. A strategist, provocateur (really!!!), The Invention team…..it's a stupid title, but let's not look like brand consultants when it comes to branding ourselves.

20. A planning type must put deliberate mistakes in every piece of work. No one likes a smart arse, and by definition, a planner is a smart arse. Also, people are always more likely to like something if they think they helped make it. So put a deliberate mistake in the brief – media/creative/media owner/cross agency whatever and the TV buyer/creative/overpaid 'strategist (hahaha)  at Channel 4 even more overpaid 'strategist at the social agency will happily correct you and think they own the damn thing. Same principle in client presentations.

21. Anyone using the following words in any situation will be henceforth known as a complete dickhead. Ideation. Interface. Visioneering. In fact anyone caught using overlong words will have a drink spilt in their lap. The more complex your language, the more people think you're a complete twonk (and less intelligent).

22. Never ever comment on another agency's work in cross agency meeting. If you are asked, always be positive, or if you are good at damning with faint praise, do so with caution – for example, 'I love the idea of a partnership, it's great when we all have to roll our sleeves up and work with a new partner, that's the thing about really great campaigns, you can't get around having to do more work, but it's well worth it'. Of course, in private, it's tempting to slag them off but clients really can't be arsed dealing with agencies that can't get along, who are always trying to get more work at the expense of someone else. By all means, stab people in the back, but don't let ANYONE know that's what you are doing.

21. Whatever time you want to give the client to approve stuff, double it. That's life.

23. Creatives/media buyers and anyone in production can lose it as often as they like. Planning and account handling folk can never lose their temper and slowly simmer. If you need to vent spleen, take up an active sport, buy a punchbag or, even better, just deal with it. This is just the way it is.

24. Never ever wait until the day before the presentation before you show the stuff to your boss/CEO or whoever. In fact, don't show them it unless you really must. They'll change something just because they can – and since they are now better at bean counting, dealing with politics and cooking the books, they won't be any good at actual advertising any more. Just use them to charm the client now and again and make sure they don't say anything daft.

25. Be nice to the head of client services. They have been put there to keep them quiet and pacify them for the fact they'll never make CEO or MD. In fact, the only reason they are still here is because their one skill is making clients like them.

26. Give up the suits. Of course, creatives should never wear suits, but strategy types shouldn't either – just never look as casual as creatives. Suits should consider giving up the suits too, clients really don't care that much. Of course, one or two do, but with these exceptions to the general rule, only the suits should worry about wearing suits. It's just the way it is.

27. Never ever cut corners with coffee or tea. Obviously, this goes for client meetings. Tea made in the pot, coffee in a cafetierre is a minimum, but respect each other too and make the effort to do it right. No fucking instant coffee, no substandard tea bags. Never pour any tea or coffee unless it's brewed for at least three minutes. If you want weak tea or coffee, just get some hot water, as weak tea or coffee are just water pretending to be something else. Warm the milk if you're making coffee, never warm the milk if it's tea.

28. Surround yourself with quality. This relates to the quality of the hot drinks, but also your sound system, your books and so on. Quality stuff will rub off on you.

29. Get out of the bloody bubble. Marketing folk are not normal. It's not normal to want to make transient stuff that makes people want to buy stuff they don't need. But the folks we're trying to persuade to buy stuff they don't need, they require us to understand them. So get the fuck out of your office, out of SOHO, Brooklyn, Madison Avenue, The Northern Quarter or whatever cool postcode you're in and go be with real people. As a minimum, once a month: Go to a popular shopping mall and a supermarket. Consume some popular media you think is beneath you. Go to where your target customer is and try and talk to some of them.

30. Do not believe any research that was done anywhere but where people are buying or using what you are selling. People lie, they lie to themselves. The only useful research is done in real time, in the jungle rather than the zoo.

31. Get better at traditional research than researchers. Know thine enemy.

32. Make friends with traffic if you're in a creative agency. Make friends with all the PA's. They know everything that is happening. Everything.

33. Don't count the powerpoint slides. Sometimes 100 slides is okay, sometimes 5 is perfect. It depends on your pace,style and what you need to deliver. Rehearse and time the presentation, rather than count slides.

34. Never get so pissed on a works do you can't remember what you have said. Trust me on this.

35. If you must have to drink with the client, stay at least two drinks behind. Never go home before them, unless you're a lightweight. Better to be thought of as no fun than try and sleep with them, tell them how much you hate your spouse, or call them a c***t.

36. Edit everything you do three times. It will be too long and not watertight first time. It will be better next time around. Only at the third round will it be acceptable. It's just the way it is.

37. It never gets easier, you just have more to deal with. The more important you get, the more shit you have to deal with. If you're a junior, an account director should make it look easy because they need to instill confidence in you and their clients. They will be crying inside close to a deadline as much as you, they just get better at dealing with it…and deal with more.

38. If you're under 30 stop moaning about how much money you are not making. No one makes much until they reach 30, and even then, they won't be paid as much as a lawyer or banker. If you want to make serious money, start and agency and plan to sell it (and you're soul).

39. The size of an agency is inversely proportioned the quality of its I.T. That's just how things are.

40. Look at your job very hard every two years. if you're bored, if you're stagnating, or if you are underpaid, consider looking elsewhere. Never move for the money alone, I know too many people who left a great job to become highly paid malcontents in places that weren't right. If you're bored or stagnating, see if there is something you can do about it, if not, jump….your bosses will probably be wondering why you are still here anyway.

41. Respect the past. It wasn't much better, but most of what you think is the latest thing has been done before and better.

42. Ignore awards papers. In awards land, everything works, the process is simple, there is always a catastrophe and a flash of insight that came from nowhere. Awards papers never reflect what really happened, not even the original strategy. IPA papers are just the ones where the client would pay for econometrics. Creative awards are designed to impress creative directors, not real people. So when you get a case study that says the strategic leap was imagining the brand was a woman, rather than a man, you know what to do don't you?

43. Don't become mired in the past. Culture changes, markets change, the trick is to move with the times and keep what was great about the past. Every great brand (agency brands too) tends to fail when they stop moving forward, or forget what made them great in the first place. Yes, that is a contradiction, deal with it.

44. It isn't the death of TV.

45. It's not the age of whatever you think it is.

46. If an agency with a reputation for being ruthless, formulaic or really dull wants to hire you, if that kind of thing suits you, fine. If not, run for your life, they will never, ever change.

47. If client wants you to shake thinks up and challenge them with more original thinking, yet have a past of more 'hardworking' ideas (insert euphemism here), unless there is a new CEO or CMO, run for your life if it's a pitch. They will never ever change. If it's an existing client, make sure you have a formulaic plan B, that's what they'll buy in the end.

48. If you work in a media agency you need to be able to drink. This is just the way it is.

49. if you work in a social media agency, you need to be able to sell snake oil.

50. if you work in a creative agency, you need to be OK with drinking yourself to sleep occasionally.

51. Everyone who doesn't work in marketing thinks they can do your job. That's just the way it is.

52. All deadlines, no matter how long you have, shall be ignored up until the day before when everyone shall spring into action and do two weeks work in two days.

53. The senior person buys lunch. Always.

54. Never, ever, sleep with a client. It always ends in tears. Trust me on this.

55. Work is to be measured by quality, not quantity. That goes for how long your hours are, the length of any document, the number of slides or any work you are doing.

56. The purpose of pitching is to win. It's not a time to tell the client their brief is wrong, or stick to your guns on challenging work. You don't know them yet. Read the brief, follow the brief, give them what they will want to buy. It won't be what eventually gets bought or booked anyway.

57. Marketing books should be read with caution. Marketing books are usually written by people wanting to sell their services and based on bad evidence, or evidence that supports an argument that sells books rather than client products and services. Always have your own point of view and read stuff about what your clients are selling. That should always include the annual report.

58. Follow the money. Get to know the clients finance officer, they know more about what the business thinks it needs. And find out who really makes the decisions, in one case for me, it was the CEO's son. Once you know who it is and what they like, shape your sell to this person. The greatest work you ever did was probably something that never got bought.

59. A great idea is a great idea. Legend has it, the Cadbury Gorilla was in a creative's draw for years, waiting to be post rationalised for the right brief. Always keep great ideas on file, you never know.

60. Post rationalisation isn't a crime (as Russell Davies would say) it's a valid way to get great ideas made. Never sell great ideas if they are not right for the brief, but if it's great and it's right, no one cares if the strategy came before or after apart from the strategist.

61. Process is a smokescreen. Any kind of agency flails around, drinks lots of caffeine, panics and eventually something good emerges and it gets developed just in time. A process is to to give clients the illusion of professionalism, it never works like that in real life.

62. The only way to get a good idea is to work hard. Flashes of inspiration are rare, great work usually comes from getting a bad idea quickly, and then working out what is wrong with it.

63. Never kill an idea by speaking before thinking about it. Our industry is supposed to be about originality, and our first reaction to new stuff is fear and rejection. You're first response will be wrong, live with it for awhile – and shut up.

64. Never encourage anyone to kill your ideas before they have chance to think. You present something, you're desperate for approval like a little puppy , bouncing up and down, desperate for appreciation. But if you ask someone what they think, before they have had chance, they'll say something they don't mean, and to keep face, will stand by it through thick or thin. Well done, you've just killed your own work.

65. Have the courage to change your mind. We're all wrong sometimes. It's not weak to admit you're wrong, but agencies can be very macho and all about winning the argument. Don't win arguments, win pitches, do great work, go home.

66. Have the courage to stand your ground. Sometimes you know you are right. Just know when you want to pick your battles. A client I trust once told me what they want is to be listened to, to have their feedback taken on board, but also for agencies to have the courage to say what they think and recommend what is right, but be aware the decision is the clients at the end of the day.

67. The start time of a day is fluid, just as the end is. That's just the way it is.

68. No one cares about the 'brief' as much as it's author. The creative director cares a bit, because it's make them feel like they still matter when they insist on changing a word in the proposition. The client likes to sign off the brief sometimes to make them feel creative. The planning director likes to sign off the brief because they can change another word and claim the thinking if it becomes next year's award winner. Creatives like arguing over the brief because it's fun toying with you before they ignore it completely. The TV buyer likes you doing a brief because they can refuse to work until they've got said brief,  and recover from the heavy night out with Channel 4 (which is why the brief will get ignored if they can't put Channel 4 on the plan). The suits like a brief because they like the illusion of holding creatives/media buyers/media owners to account. Of course, everyone ignores the brief and does what the hell they like. Which is why you should write one brief for the briefing and another after the first review, based on the work people like. No one will notice, they hardly read the brief anyway.

69. Have fun for Christ sake. You're not in an agency for a quiet life. You're not in it to be super rich. You're there because this is what suits your talents and, more importantly, you like being around interesting people. If you're not having fun, the hard work will get too hard. If there is no banter or good conversation, what the hell are you in an agency for?

70. Develop a thick skin. Agencies get through the day with a very sharp humour and wind each other up mercilessly. It's just the way it is.

71. if you work in a media agency, you'll find everyone swears more than they should. Get used to it.

72. Be nice to everyone. It's too hard for politics as it is, but more importantly, the industry is too small and an enemy will probably end up as your boss or your client.

73. Lighten up. We are not doctors, none of this really matters.

74. Forget the babble. Reach as much of the market as you can, as often as you can, say something about what you do or sell in a way that cannot be missed, try and get talked about, continually remove reasons not to buy.

75. You are there to sell things. You are not there to build brand meaning or change culture, these things MAY be a means to sell things sometimes. If you want to make people laugh, be a comedy writer. If you want to do culturally significant stuff, work for HBO. You do need an appreciation of what makes people laugh, what moves people, what they like, what they hate. But all this is in service of making people want to buy things……which tends to be as simple as being the one they've heard of that sort of feels right. And no one cares about the brand positioning apart from brand babblers.

76. Celebrate the introverts. The people who rise to the top in fast paced, sink or swim agency life, tend to be the charismatic people who are super confident and own the room. We support their decisions because we want to believe them. But while there is merit in acting quickly and then refining as you go along, their is little room for the quietly spoken, the ones who don't win by speaking first or being the loudest, the ones who think a little more, question things and don't naturally think they are right. Let everyone speak and bloody listen to them. The job is more complex than ever, don't fall in love with your first idea, listen to everyone, the more eyes you have on a project, the better it will be…as long as their is a benign dictator overlooking everything.

77. All agencies will try and fight over the core comms planning. That's the way it is……and can be healthy if everyone listens to each other.

78. Creative agencies can't do media. They just can't. If you want to do media, start a media department.

79. Media agencies can't do creative…but think they can.

80. Digital agencies will never be unbiased, only let them do digital.

81. Media owners can't do ads, yet. They think they can, but do not them do comms strategy or creative strategy…….just brief them right based on a good idea.

82. The term 'native' shall henceforth be banned……….it's a bloody advertorial.

83. Hard isn't the point, the point is great work. I once had a boss who told me she liked recessions because she could push staff harder. If a company is making profits through their people doing 14 hours days, it's not a business, it's a workhouse. Don't fall for long hours and bleeding for your craft as a badge of honour – tired us stupid not genius. Don't impress people with how tired you are, wow them with you work.

83. That said, don't pretend is was easy. We judge quality by effort as much as outcome – so show you've cared and put the work in. You'll be doing a favour to your industry, good work is hard, the more we pretend it's easy the more we make others feel inadequate.

84. Keep the mute button on. It's always wise to think before you speak, having to push the off button first gives you a precious few seconds to avoid saying anything stupid. Ensure one meeting in three you talk with the button still on, it makes the people who can't work out the difference between on and off better about themselves. 

85. Never belief agencies who say they are a great place to work, even the ones who have won awards. The ones that shout the loudest tend to be covering up the most problems. Talk to as many people who worked there or work there, get a true picture before it's too late. You may find the number of Nespresso machines, team lunches and away days in inversely proportioned to the day to day enjoyment of the actual job.

86. The same for agencies with lots of PR for diversity. You'll probably find behind the smokescreen lots of hierarchy and 'we always done it this way'. 

87. There are only three questions to ask in a creative review. Is is on brief? Does the work make us rethink the brief? What is the ideas. This depends on a decent brief in the first place and creatives who can have ideas instead of visuals.

88. Always speak last whenever you can. Let the loudmouths speak before they think, give yourself time to work out what you want to say – the final work is always more powerful. Also, if you've nothing to say, you can go with 'What she said'. Don't be fooled by senior people asking the team to first. They're not being collegiate or kind, they just don't know what to say yet. 

89. Don't take any LinkedIn guru seriously unless they've actually done the job they claim to be an expert in. By all means, break the rules and all that, but you need to understand the rules before you break them, even these rules. 

89. Obey the rules