NORTHERN PLANNER

This isn't mine. Helen gave me it when I was at TBWA (but it's not TBWA of course, otherwise it would have Disruption and Media Arts milarky in).

Bloody useful.

You could do a lot worse than spend a little while with The Listening Project. Britain in conversation, ethnography etc.Lovely

 

I really like Hi Fidelity. As  neurotic, former record fair regular, who was useless with women, I guess it was inevitable.

Despite the fact that it seemed relevant to me personally, it did that trick of, lets be honest fellas, skewering the confused flailing and general crapness that is the experience of being a male in the 21st century.

One of the best bits was when the protagonist admits that he thought living with a women was going to be a voyage into a world of constant lingerie heaven, where his partner was constantly gagging for it and never wore anything apart from gorgeous silks, satins and diaphanous, nearly see through, frilly almost nothings.

Only to find, be dreadfully disappointed and come to terms with the fact that women, just like men, have pulling pants, but they also have the day to day drab and sometimes very, very comfy versions of underwear that about as sexy as George Osborne.

We all, eventually, realise that the fire on that first attraction cools and what's left, hopefully, is a reality where the other person is far from perfect, knows your own faults too well, has habits that drive you mad and tolerates some of yours. You have to work bloody hard to keep that kind of relationships alive.

Just as you have to work at friendships, parenthood even client services.

Why is why the fashionable metaphor of brands and ordinary human beings having an equal 'two-way' relationship is just hogwash. We work hard at relationships that matter to us, only wierdos tend to think of brands that way, because few people want to have a relationship with a metaphor or an idea. 

Yet so many social media gurus and brand consultants seem to think that two way relationships the future, in spite of all the data that would suggest otherwise.

As it happens, this might be where a constant flow of new sexy knickers might work as a better metaphor, since the real task of brands is to constantly get noticed by people who couldn't really care less.

Maybe, therefore, the pretentious twaddle about brand archetypes isn't that useful either, and we should possibly stick to trying to make brands a little more like a Victoria's Secret Model.

And little less like a that deluded bore at parties full of himself, sure everyone is hanging on his every word, but actually, really, really dull.

 

 

 

If you've ever had the misfortune to spend much time with CRM gurus or 'data driven marketing specialists' you'll be familiar with the terms 'aquisition' 'conversion' and 'retention'.

It all feels a little uncomfortable doesn't it? In some parts like some sort of aggressive corporate raider from the 1980's bent on acquiring companies and then stripping their assets for a killing.

In others, a little like Scientologists, or other disquieting cults looking to convert and retain acolytes.

It's also anathema for anyone who's spent any time looking at how marketing and brands really work.

No brand 'aquires' 'converts' or 'retains' enough people for sustained sales growth.

Few care about brands nearly enough for that level of cut and dried shifts in a relationship, as of course, it's not really a relationship, more just one a few vague aquaintances. 

This is where the 'cult' metaphor is of more use, since the only people that care that much are slightly wierd 'cult like' fans of the brand.

Not only are they a big minority, in terms of numbers and sales value, they would have bought anyway, whatever the clever email marketing campaign and digital measuring doo-dahs. Most CRM stuff simply measures a sale that would, most likely, have happened in any case.

A better use of words to describe interactions with brands would be:

'Get noticed at all'

'Create sort of weak habit'

'Try and stay fresh and interesting to stop that weak habit getting even more weak'.

When any kind marketing guru uses words best kept to cultish charlatans selling you moonshine, you can probably assume that's is exactly what they are really offering. 

Blogs may not be that fashionable nowadays, but here's one that's wonderful in any case. It's the blog from my beloved Yorkshire Tea. Somehow a blog feels right for them in the way that noodling around on Facebook feels very wrong

It's unnasuming, chatty, a little down to earth and gives off the kind of 'family' feel that only a proper family company can create. A genuine love of their craft that's so rare these days. That's the thing about channels and stuff, the actual choice of where to do stuff says something about you, not just what you do there. 

Anyway, here's why Yorskhire Tea Gold is the true Queen of teas. Because it's Yorkshire Tea, a more laid back, modest 'bicycling monarchy' rather than the grand pomp and circumstance of HRH Liz, to be precise.