NORTHERN PLANNER

This morning was tough. Slight hangover, the fact it’s Monday and a particularly hard little problem to crack made it so.

Sometimes all the information’s there, you know it should add up to something, but the connections just will not present themselves. I got frustrated with it on Friday afternoon and it kept popping up in my head over the weekend. By this morning it was fear. What if it doesn’t come? What will I tell them? Am I really any good at this planning lark?

I’m the kind of person who’s always racked with doubt, I like that, it keeps me sharp and hopefully a bit humble, bit it does make things hard now and again.

I get that before every new project, that tension between the thrill of something new to play with and the trepidation of maybe not cutting it this time. It’s invigorating and scary all in one go. That’s why it’s such a relief and yet such a rush when something finally clicks in your head and it all falls into place. You’ve pulled it off again, you can rest easy now. It happened this morning while I was warming the tea pot.

But that’s a poison chalice too. I’ve no data to prove it, but I’m sure the feeling of winning is less intense than what happens when you lose. It’s nice to do well and win, but the feeling soon fades, and you soon have to start all over again. But failing, losing……. when I lost at swimming, it hurt for far longer than the intense pleasure of winning.

That’s why getting a solution is so bitter sweet to me. No more worrying, no more impending sense of doom, no thrill of the chase. The end is never quite as thrilling as the work you do to get there. Or at least it won’t be until I lighten up.