NORTHERN PLANNER

My little boy, Will is now 8 months old, and I welcome this with mixed feelings.

There's a part of me that loves the fact that he's jabbering all sorts of nonsense now (his first sort of word was Dadada, much to the annoyance of his mother), he's sitting up and clapping (which means flapping his arms around a lot, he can't quite make his hands meet yet, rolling all over the place, laughing his head and reacting to things much more. In short, he's becoming more interesting and rewarding – even more amazing, even more fascinating. We just sit there and wonder how on earth we made him sometimes.

Then there's other side that knows he'll be a year old before we know it, that misses him being tiny enough to cradle in one arm, when he was so delicate and helpless. That time will never come again. I miss him being a 'baby' sometimes, he's an infant now.

In any case, I've lived with the idea of him being around for awhile now and can't quite form a solid picture of life without him. It's like that curious way the mind can't quite form a solid picture of your holiday once you get back, it immediately becomes a little dreamy and fuzzy – and amazingly, home seems like that when I'm away.

We're still learning of course, always will be, but that's one of the joys, it's not like anything else that fades away with time, it's always white hot within your consciousness, slowly enriched by time and more memories (or that's what I think it will be like, I may have very different when he's a teen or the first time he beats me at tennis). Anyway..

I feel I'm qualified to have a view on this article about Dad's feeling as stressed as Mums. I can't comment from the point of view as a single Dad, I certainly can't from the point of view of a woman, but I can as very lucky Dad with a loving wife and a decent income.

And I think that's my first point. Just as with Mum's it's really silly to generalise. How you feel as a father, or mother for that matter depend on your own upbringing, circumstances and the people you're surrounded by. Broad themes will be exactly that – generalisations with limited use. Especially when so much of how you feel about being a parent, your view of the role and attitude of Mum's and Dad's comes arises from personal experience. Take a look at this article and thread,  you can imagine the experiences and backgrounds that have led to the VERY strong and diverse views.

So while I'd tend to agree that many Dad's feel stress around parenting but that won't be a universal. Just walk around any UK supermarket and watch the body language between Dad's, Mum's and kids. Some seem to behave as a close unit of three, but many tend to have Mum and child as a unit and Dad separate to that, largely being the traditional, hands off Dad of old.

Female economic independence and household with both parents working has had an impact of course, but the bulk of childcare is still done by the woman, as is household chores, despite claims from more men that they want to get more involved. So what's going on?

It's a social faux pas to admit you don't always enjoy  being a parent, just as you have to show what hard work it all is. It wasn't always so for men, but middle class Dad's cannot openly admit to sometimes wishing they had their old life back. I can say I don't, I never want to go back, but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish he's just go to sleep so I can read the paper, or do something spontaneous. But you can't say that….you have to conform to social norms, just as you have to tell people you enjoyed your weekend whether you did or not. There's a conflict in there, between what some men actually feel and what they actually say. That can sometimes be stressful – you can moan about a job you love and no one looks funny, if you don't moan about the wife people look at you funny, but in cosseted middle class circles, moan about how much time kids suck up and people will look at you as if just said Sex and the City was rubbish.  

I think it's become a social norm for men like me to claim they wish they could take a greater share of responsibility for childcare – of course it's mostly true, but I wonder how many men say that because theyr'e supposed to. It's a complex thing to delve into – you can want two things at the same time.

I miss my little boy terribly when I don't see him, right now he's 400 miles away at Mum and Dad's with Mrs Northern. For a whole week. It was nice for two days- Saturday was a long, painful bike ride in the sun, 5 hours of assorted sport on TV, the paper from cover to cover, a really good film with no interruptions, it was lovely for a while, now I just feel terribly lonely.

That's the contradiction at the heart of being a Dad for me. Nothing in my life is more important, nor will ever be again. Nothing has ever made me happier, but then there is the contradiction that I'm a person too, with my own desires and dreams, I miss time with Mrs Northern, I miss time for me, but I would not change a single thing. Not one.

So everyday is battle to get home in time to see him. Every morning I go swimming is playtime missed out on. But then sometimes you wish you could just read a book rather than rock him to sleep, or turn over and go back to sleep at 6am on a Saturday when he waked up wand wants to play.

I resent not having the time with him by the beach his Mum is having and feel guilty for not being there, but I've made the most of time alone. But on the whole I want to be a part of it and feel I can. But society gets in the way of doing this to the extent I would like. 

Equal sharing of childcare isn't possible. I had no choice about taking more paternity leave, it's just assumed that Dad will go back to work.

Culturally, they look funny at you when you take your child to the weekly clinic, or patronise you horribly. During the scans and delivery, you're useless, but they do their best to make you feel like a spare part, at worst they make you feel like you're in the way.

Work gets in the way too - there are too many who just assume you'll be a traditional Dad and want to work all hours while Mum does the childcare. There's massive pressure every day to resolve this unresolvable conflict. 

I guess I'm trying to say that a sweeping statement that Dad are as stressed as Mums doesn't work. It's too complicated within demographics, culture, background etc, but it's too complicated within the actual family, or the actual man.

From my own point of view, what's wrong with a bit if stress. As I finally grow up, I learn what really makes me happy – and mostly it's not doing stuff for me. I couldn't do without swimming, I love to cook, but all that's nothing next to him. It's hard sometimes, but that just makes it more rewarding.

I want them home.